Things I've been through

So I've been deciding for a while whether or not to write about this. It's hard for me to talk about and I usually get upset when I do, but it's something I am still dealing with on a daily basis. Hopefully this can help strengthen me.

Four months ago, on Saturday March 31, I went to work to cover for an employee for just an hour. It was the beginning of General Conference, the streets were empty, and work was quiet. I was okay with that.

After being at work for 13 minutes, a woman finally came in to cash a check. She didn't have accounts with Wells Fargo, and the check was having a difficult time scanning into the computer system to cash. I love to give great customer service, so this delay was concerning me.

After turning my back to ask for assistance, I faced my customer to see the unexpected before my eyes: a man, dressed completely in black, face covered, was pointing a gun to my head.

"Give me all your money," he demanded. "This isn't a joke. Come on now give it to me."

I stood there for a few moments, frozen in fear. I couldn't believe that this was actually happening. Sure, banks get robbed, but that's only in the movies, security has greatly improved over the years, surely this wasn't me actually being threatened.

But it was. And the longer I stood there, the greater my chances were of getting shot.

We complied with the man, and no one was hurt, at least not physically.

They say things like this take a long time to process. They say to avoid making huge life changing decisions. I was getting married to Alan in less than a month and nothing was going to stop me from that eternally life changing event.

Alan has been the best husband I could ever dream of. After it happened, he immediately took me away from Provo for a while, and just held me as I sobbed into his arms for hours. I don't know where I would be today without him by my side, always telling me he's got me.

Four months from the robbery, I still have nightmares where I am just out with friends or something and we get shot at and robbed. This has been really hard for me, because as much as I feel like I am okay, I don't think I am just yet. And I have no idea when I will be.

It's really frustrating, and I feel really pathetic at times. At home, we don't play hide and seek, and Alan doesn't pop out at me ever, because I get flashbacks of the gunman in my head and get really lightheaded.

What bothers me the most about the whole thing is that there was nothing I could do to prevent it from happening. The guy walked away with money that wasn't his, and he was probably just going to use it for drugs or something else stupid.

And I have no idea what he really looks like, so he could be walking next to me on the street and I wouldn't have a clue, but he would know exactly who I am. He knows just what I look like.

It makes me question humanity. I used to be happily naive about people, always assuming the best.

Not anymore. I see people walking with hands in their pockets and I think they are holding guns in their pockets. I see people with hoods on and I think, "oh great it's happening again."

But I don't want to. I have nothing against the man who has changed my life. I feel sorry for him, because you have to be pretty desperate to rob a bank. I don't need him to apologize, in fact I never want to hear about him or see him again.

But I so desperately wish that he hadn't affected me so deeply. I am getting better, but very slowly.

Harry Crews said, "there is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with."

I'm just waiting for my scar.